OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
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Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
Feels like the fourth month in January
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.