If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
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No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
no refunds
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.