”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
You Might Also Like
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.