Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
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doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Only a mother’s love …
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you