doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
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Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.