Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
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Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
absolute chaos
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?