Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
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To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
How actors in movies eat their food
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me