Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
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I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum