Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
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fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
Never ghost your hitman.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.