How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
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AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
I am having an out of money experience.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.