Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
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You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
This makes total sense…
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When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
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[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
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Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.