Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
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My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.