Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
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{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life