“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
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For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
Geez man, take it easy.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
need him
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.