Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
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-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever