If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
You Might Also Like
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.