Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
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Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor