My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
You Might Also Like
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.