pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
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“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.