I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
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Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
The government even made aliens boring
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers