Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
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I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you