What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
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[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
What?
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
i think we should see other cousins
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.