Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
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ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
He has no idea 🤡
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“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
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I am a gravy boat captain
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
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Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers