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What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.