Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
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“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
What is going on? 😅
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.