Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
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I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice