@heidi420x

The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..

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@3sunzzz

My son is suspended?

Yes, in-school suspension.

So he goes to school?

Yes, but he’s suspended.

Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?

Yes.

Idiot.

@SaraThomas84

I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB

@VikingBut

My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway

@beersuds

Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…

@Book_Krazy

Hub: What’s this?

Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.

Hub: *puts $100 in*

Me:…

@iamburtjarvis

nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?

me: laughter

nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-

me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.

@sonictyrant

A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape

@mattkoff

“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter

@StevieKnip

PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever