The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
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Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
i think we should see other cousins
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
💻🤡
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.