@heidi420x
@ChrisCaesar Jesus Christ lmao
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@ChrisCaesar 
@bazecraze I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
@mynameisntdave I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
@sixfootcandy (Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
@AlexTHoffman Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
@caseytduncan Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
@JimmerThatisAll When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
@Marlebean My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
@TheSnarls Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
@weinerdog4life Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question