The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..

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My son is suspended?

Yes, in-school suspension.

So he goes to school?

Yes, but he’s suspended.

Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?




I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB


My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway


Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…


Hub: What’s this?

Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.

Hub: *puts $100 in*



nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?

me: laughter

nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-

me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.


A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape


“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter


PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever