The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..

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I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.


(Auditioning to be a bird)

*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*

DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.


Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.


When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.


My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”

Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”