i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
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My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
Who chose this font
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad