*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
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‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
🐕🍷
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
Tell the colonel to bring it
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.