Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
You Might Also Like
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No