My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
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If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
dream blunt rotation
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
…
…
…
…
…
2015: Taco Emoji!
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Care for your back
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.