The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
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doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
Scream sneezers need love too.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”