i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
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“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
I identify as an antique shop.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.