12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
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Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Cool shirt 🙂
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
scrabbled eggs
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”