4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
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Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
…u ok Nintendo?
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
is this a threat
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.