Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
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Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats