Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
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This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
Goodnight 🐶
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.