firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
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Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
When your best mate counts as a desk too
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.