bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
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Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts