Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
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I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
my dad when a sex scene comes on
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal