I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
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WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave