Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
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Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
🤣🤣🤣
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
I think the cat got the dog high.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.