You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
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If a snake ate a cake
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
Botany good plants lately?
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
thinking about a very short hotdog
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.