Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
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Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
Baller is short for ballerina
I know a bad idea when I see one.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money