I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
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I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
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wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird