I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
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Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
This cat wants you to take your pills
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
#damn
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.