Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
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You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
She was REALLY feeling it.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.