Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
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Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
Lmao the reply
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
Sex so good you see dead people.