Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
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I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim