Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
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I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
idk flipping houses looks really hard
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.