[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
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Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her