No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
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*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.